Koizora

Hey, blogsky. Whazzup? Finally I have my "me time" and I decide to meet you hahaha errr well, yesterday I got a movie, a Japanesse movie called Koizora. You have to find out the meaning yourself, ya:p hahaha I won't tell you bout the movie, you have to watch yourself. That movie was too good to be told. So, (once again) you have to watch yourself. Actually, what makes this movie become great in me? That story was a lil bit similar to mine. Except the pregnancy part yaa hahaahaha you know, blog. I really want mas Radith to watch this film. But I don't know how. I just afraid of the ending. I'm afraid, if mas Radith's reason was similar to the boy in this film. Hahahaha yea, I was afraid. But, I don't hope so. I pray for your health, always.

D.

Peluk

Hi, blogsky. How was your day? I've been reading Peluk in Rectoverso by Dee, just today. And.... You know, I found "us" in that story.

"Keanehan lain menyusul, yakni jawaban muncul dengan sendirinya tanpa proses berpikir: memang ini jalannya. Itukah yang dinamakan firasat? Menahun sudah aku tahu, hari ini akan tiba. Tapi bagaimana bisa pernah kujelaskan? Aku menyayangimu seperti kusayangi diriku sendiri. Bagaimana bisa kita ingin pisah dengan diri sendiri?"

by mas Radith's thinking. But, actually in that "Menahun sudah aku tahu, hari ini akan tiba." A lil bit different with his thinking, I think. He ever told me that he never think about the day we gonna broke up.

"Mengapa kata-kata justru hilang pada saat seperti ini? Saat kulihat kamu butuh penghiburan, nasihat bijak, atau humor segar agar kesedihan ini beroleh penawar? Kemampuan kita berkata-kata menguap. Kemampuanku melucu lenyap. Kebisuan menjadi hadiah kebersamaan kita bertahun-tahun. Aku ingin bilang, berbarengan dengan makin pilunya hati ini, ada keindahan yang kurasakan, dan aku tak mengerti mengapa bisa demikian."

I still remember, a year from the day mas Radith told me that he loves me, we had a meeting. I mean, we met but we didn't talk till I started. I still remember his face when I cried. Yes, still. I still remember each part of that day.

"Tanganmu bergerak bimbang seperti ingin meraih tanganku, tapi kau urungkan niat itu. Dua manusia yang sudah bercinta bertahun-tahun dan merasakan setiap jengkal kulit masing-masing, mendadak enggan untuk bersentuhan."

by mine. I still remember how I wanted to wipe his cheek. Feeling his unwashed face ehehehe I still remember how I used to remind him to wash his face.

"Aku tidak tahu kenapa dua manusia yang saling sayang harus kembali berjalan sendiri-sendiri."

MY BIG QUESTION. But I bet he has soooo many reasons.

"Aku tidak ingin bersamamu cuma karena enggan sendiri. Kau tidak layak untuk itu. Seseorang semestinya memutuskan bersama orang lain karena menemukan keutuhannya tercermin, bukan ketakutannya akan sepi."

Yea, maybe, we don't deserve, now.

"Aku ingin mengalir. Hatiku belum mau mati. Aliran ini harus kembali memecah dua agar kita sama-sama bergerak. Sebelum kita terlalu jengah dan akhirnya pisah dalam amarah."

But, in fact. We did. I just remembered the lyrics of "Berhenti di Kamu" by Anji.

"Jadi, aku tidak tahu cinta itu terdiri dari berapa macam. Yang kutahu, cinta ini tersendat, dan hatiku seperti mati pengap. Kendati kusayang kamu lebih daripada siapapun yang kutahu. Kendati bersamamu senyaman berselimut pada saat hujan. Aku aman. Namun, aku mengerontang kekeringan. Dan kini kutersadar, aku butuh hujan itu. Lebih dari apa pun."

Hmm, I kinda know, he is saturated of me, huh?:)

"Kamu bukan tisu sekali pakai. Kita tidak mungkin membuang apa pun jika kita percaya hati bukan ditujukan untuk menyimpan."

I hope he does.

"Tubuhmu berontak. Kurasakan amarahmu, sakitmu. Kupererar rengkuhanku. Tangamu meronta, berusaha melepaskan diri."

In my story, oh I mean in our story, it still being a part of your story, right?:) In our story, the difference is I wasn't resist your hug, I cried harder instead.

"Kau mulai menangis. Aku mulai menangis. Lenganmu perlahan mendaki dan balik mendekapku. Kita resmi berpelukan."

I miss you, mas Radith. But I know, I realize, my desire won't change anything. You.... have gone.

"Aliran ini memecah. Indah. Meski aku berbalik pergi

dan tak kembali."

Chatting with PKH (Pak Kata Hati)

Me: "Hai, PKH, Good Evening! How was your day?" *smiling*

PKH: "What do you want?"

Me: "Ohmy, you're sooooo curt. Hmm well, I've seen him today. I mean, this morning when the school's bell rang. As usual. And oh my God PKH, you know he is HANDSOMEEEEE!"

PKH: "Ya I know, and then?"

Me: "oh shit. You aren't interested in my story, are you?"

PKH: "No, no, no. Just go with your story. I'll listen."

Me: "Ohkay. Here we go. So, I've seen him, and he was so wonderful. I've my first try out today, PKH. You know, I take a 2-years-program for my senior high and it just be approved by the education center so, I can follow the UAN this year. So wonderful, huh? And I bet you've already knew my reason. Ya, ya of course because of him. Uh huh, I wanna passed this senior high with him hahaha so cute huh?:3 but, lately, when we were broke up, my oh I mean our dream suddenly dissapear hahaha"

PKH: ....

Me: "PKH are you LISTENING me?"

PKH: "uhum, go on."

Me: "Ohkay.. I've been thinking. If only I could fix our relationship, maybe we will verify our marks in pdss together, with a wifi in my home haha it will be so sweet! And we'll study for English try out tomorrow, together. And also, we can talk until late for our future. How sweet! Well, PKH, I don't know (still) what makes him finishing our relationship. I have my own expectation, too much expectations."

PKH: "Hmm, so what happened today? You're so noisy."

Me: "Well, yea. After I've my second try out. A math try out, that killing me slowly. It was real, PKH! I've only answered 9 questions. Pity me, yea? And then, I went out from my class, and I saw him, in gazebo, with his friends of course, his double B. And the other B smiled at me ehehehe I was salting, that time. But, I kept on walking with an asdfghjkl face when I walked in front of him. I held Dhaifi's hand. And I heard Bebek said "Dif, he is looking at you!" And I was just aaakkkkkkhhh[!] I held Dhaifi's hand tighter.

       "Then, I sat on aula. Waiting for the announcement from curriculum team. It was about yeaaa you know, that UAN and SNMPTN things. And I saw him in front of me and I was just asdfghjkl hahaha oh how I miss him, PKH. He was so wonderful, beautiful, and irreplaceable."

PKH: "Hmm, I see. So?"

Me: "Wait, I haven't finished my story. And then, after the curriculum team announced us that SNMPTN register things, its time for us to wait for a call. Yea, maybe I won't explained about that SNMPTN things. Then, I told Bebek to stalk a girl, named, umm, Jesika. She's umm what is it called, she is his closed friend. Yea, thats ok. And then, Bebek said "Dif, she changed her avatar!" Avatar is a profile picture, if you don't know, PKH eehehehe

PKH: "I know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Me: "Hash, ssst, I haven't finished yet! I then grabbed my cellphone and what was I see? A terrible things and suddenly I cried hahahaha so disgusting right, PKH? I cried in aula. Its been a long time I have no cry. I felt free after a cry. Then, Rose suddenly came up and asked "what happened, Dif?" And I was just aaaaaaaaa I have my sobbing then. It-was-really-disgusting.

       "And then I heard my cellphone rang. It was mba Katarina. She asked about batagor hahaha I was laughing but then cried over and over again (oke this is a lil bit lebay ngahaha) she said she won't come to school if I was still crying. But, when she came, I was crying again ngahahahaha"

PKH: "Wait Dif, why are you crying?"

Me: "I don't know, PKH. Jealousy?"

PKH: "Jealousy? Of what?"

Me: "Of Jesika. She got his attention now."

PKH: "And you are envy of that?"

Me: "Of course!"

PKH: "You are stupid!"

Me: "WHAT?!"

PKH: "Yes, you are STUPID. S-T-U-P-I-D"

Me: "What do you mean by stupid, PKH?"

PKH: "Who told you to be jealous?"

Me: "Um, no one." *facepalm*

PKH: "So, why are you jealous?"

Me: "Because of JESIKA, PKH. Oh please!"

PKH: "I mean, why are you stalked Jesika's twitter?"

Me: "I don't know. I just wanna know."

PKH: "And then you are jealous?"

Me: "Uhum......."

PKH: "Stupid."

Me: "Yea, I know, I am stupid. But somehow, I believe, we'll come back together. Jesika is just a diversion."

PKH: *smirk*

Me: "What? Why are you smiling like that?"

PKH: "Dif, you are living in a planet called Reality. You have to be realistic."

Me: "What do you mean? Is that about we-will-come-back-together? Hahaha we will, kok, PKH. We'll get married in 2022. We'll built a wonderful family, traveling around the world, and go to Arab for having a hajj."

PKH: "You have to be realistic."

Me: "I am realistic! Maybe, he is gone for now, but he will come back, tomorrow or someday. But, he will, I'm sure."

PKH: "You have to be REALISTIC"

Me: "He is my future!"

PKH: "Dif, he hasn't love you at all!"

Me: "Shit, he loves me!"

PKH: "Yea, yesterday."

Me: "He is my future!"

PKH: "You have to be realistic. He won't come back."

Sudah Terlambat

Sekarang, sejuta kata maaf, setumpuk rasa sesal, dan seribu liter air mata sudah tidak berarti. Jatah yang Tuhan beri pun sudah habis. Mungkin memang cukup sekian saja. Perjalanan kita, dongeng kita, sandiwara kita. Tidak ada yang bisa memaksa sekarang. Hanya kedewasaan yang dibutuhkan. Percuma menyalahkan diri sendiri, percuma mencemburui, semuanya percuma, tidak akan merubah apapun, tidak akan membuat dia kembali, Dif, yang ada hanya akan membuatnya semakin menjauh. Ikhlaslah mulai sekarang, itu sangat diperlukan. Nantimu nggak akan datang, Dif. Nggak akan pernah. Hanya sekarang. Seandainya penjelasan-penjelasan itu diutarakan.... Ah, seandainya, kata itu, persetan. Sudahlah. Perjalananmu dimulai, Dif. Maksudku, perjalananmu tanpanya, sudah dimulai. Dia memiliki kehidupan diluar sana, sendiri. Permohonan-permohonanmu pun percuma, Dif. Dia sudah memilih. Dia sudah melangkah, pergi. Mendahuluimu. Melepaskanmu. Meninggalkanmu. Sendirian. Di tempat kalian.

Selamat jalan, S. Aku sangat mencintaimu.

Just... Not... Today.

Well, its Saturday nite and I'm here, in front of the monitor and writing. This is for you. You, the only you that make me feel a sensation of love or Idk what it is called. Maybe its useless if I keep writing, but dunno, just want. I know, I realize, its my fault, its me, who didn't know about your condition. Its me, who want you to care the most, Its me who want you to bla bla bla and bla bla bla to make bla bla bla. Too much desire. I mean my OWN desire, not yours. Maybe you have one, but I didn't realize. No, no its not you who didn't considerate, its me. Well I know, now, we are not in the same world, I know, really, I do. And I know this is just a wishful thinking that we might be in the same world (again), just wish, ignore it. You have a new spirit now, you have the new me, oh no no, you'll never have a new me, maybe hmm what its called, you have eeee the new thing that feeling your heart, each day. Ya maybe that phrase is more suitable. Hmm ya, S, I will always pray for your life. Hm, just know, I'm still there, ya, in our place hahaha I mean in your and my place, ya you know "us" is no more longer. I just, don't know how to say, well, I'm okay with this I mean yea I'm okay if you don't realize that I'm here, its ok, thats your choice. Its ok, I'm ok. I will be single-minded ehehe like you, but just not today maybe tomorrow or the other day the other year, I don't know, just not today like you did. No, actually, whenever you want to come home and explain everything, I'll listen. Ya, you know, thats just an if clause. And it seems like won't happen. Ya, too much day-dreaming, too much wishful thinking, too much that too much hahaha hmm congratulations hey you for forgetting me ehehehe its not I can't forget you but I don't want to forget you. Well, I've read those in your diary, and thank you then ehehe I'm glad to know that I crossed your mind for a sec, even for a sec to wrote those, yea, I'm glad. Thats it. Eeee you know, I still collect that little pieces of our memories eeee I mean your and my memories. Oh shit, I miss you, mas Radith.


well, I wish that we will be together, build up the love together, in the other place, someday... Yea, someday..

They come like angels o:)

Hey blogskyyy!!!! Gyaaaaa long time no write. Ohkay, the last time I wrote hmmm in July 2012 ya? Hahaha its 2013 already and single bells single bells single all the way, yea me and mas Radith are no longer anymore, we are friends (are you sure, Dif?) hahaha Idk what we are. Ehm, lately I was eee you know I got lost in myself. Idk, it seems like there is a problem inside mine, maybe about mas Radith that makes me lost, idk it seems like that, and everything is getting dark, more and more each day. Well, Idk how I will be without them.

Mbak Katarina, well she is my old sister, we were sister-ing (halah) since we were babies hahahaha

She came right when I need someone the most. Aaaaah how I love her:')

PowerRangers♥

Actually, they're my old friends, too. But we're to busy of our own problem. But last Monday, we were gather in a school hall and talked about sooooo many things (even though mine are the most:p) They came like angels o:)

ANALISA CREW. My classmates, how lucky I am to meet them. They're crazy but so touch haha they understand me, I mean we understand each other.

 Best friend are like stars. They may not be seen, but they'll always there.

Difratia.

P.S. Well, I might have promised you guys to post my 3rd and 4th day in Jekardah looooong time ago hahaha but it seems like I won't post it, so, stay curious:p

JEKARDAH a.k.a Jakarta (Day 1 & 2)

Hey there, its already July yaa:)
Happy July all^o^
Well, I've been home after 4 or 5days holiday in Jakarta. Actually, my goal there is visit my cousin that will hahaha sunat:) but yaaah you know, it'll be useless if we aren't go anywhere. So, the first day I arrived at Jkt, I stayed in Ragunan, its my grandma's house. Then, my auntie that worked in Universitas Indonesia asked me to go with her. She said that there was a new library, and we decided to go there. Eeeer before that, hahaha I went to Jkt by train and it was amazing, I met Al-Azhar JHS students and also the crew of ehmm apaya, it was just like hikers maybe, they were all wear black shirt and ya they were ah-mazing, too:) then, when I arrived at Stasiun Madiun, I heard the poters yelled "pecel Madiun pecel Madiun" and wkwkw I and my auntie glanced at each other and decided to buy it. Its only 3,000 rupiahs:Dv and my auntie said when we arrived at Stasiun Yogyakarta we had to buy sego kucing hahaha and my sister added that we had to buy gudeg too! But, that happened was we passed Stasiun Yogyakarta-_- we were sleep-_- Haaaaah.
Then, back to UI, we couldn't take a look inside the library, we just took a pict outside the building.

me, celebrate the late birthday from my auntie

presents. From Eing and Bapak for the Jakarta's people haha

me, wearing a sweater of mas Radith:)

me, and my cousin--Cheryl.

Science Park, Universitas Indonesia

After that, I came back home and get ready for moving to Gadog and stayed there for a night. There, I met my Tante Shari hahaha finally, bcs she had been there for 4 or 3 days before me, so she said, "comeee ooooon hurry up to get there, I all alone here, I'm bored" bahahahaha

and I also visited the grave of Tante Martha (Pakdhe Mocas' wife)

actually, I stayed for a night in Pakdhe Mocas' house in Gadog.

me, with Pakdhe Mocas:)

After stayed a night in Gadog, the second day I came back to Ragunan and we were going to go to Thamrin City and Grand Indonesia. Heard about Grand Indonesia, the first thing that crossed in my mind is, Magnum Cafe. But, I can't go there:( Yah, you know lah the traffic jam of Jakarta, it was just like my love for mas Radith, stuck on it hahahaha Imagined! For parking, just parking we have to go around Grand Indonesia twice! Hah!-_-

In Grand Indonesia, actually there were soooo many Japanese and Korean restaurant, but I can't obtrude myself to go there bcs I was there with my aunties, maybe they can't eat kind of food like that, but I really really want to try that. So hmm, I went to Grand Indonesia to watch "Air Mancur Menari" yaa my uncle said that, but, how lucky were we, there were a show called "Shopping Wonderland" that show was about Alice and Wonderland, and they sang, dance, and yaa played drama, and their basic was ballet. They're so cool, not only girls but also a boys in that show. I also visited Gramedia (of course), and my auntie said that Gramedia Grand Indonesia is the largest in Indonesia, but I ever heard the largest Gramedia is in Surabaya, well it was confusing-_- and I also try Häagen-Dazs.

   From left: Eyang Topo, Tante Shari, Hans, Diska, me, Onik

Jakarta! From Thamrin City 

mas Radith, this is for you:p

that was Air Mancur Menari!

I will post the third and fourth day in Jakarta in the next post ehehehe

See yaa in the next post!

Xoxo,

Difratia.